I need your help (question about herpes)
A couple of weeks ago, someone asked an interesting
question:
BTW, it’s possible that you may know someone
in this situation… Maybe you’ve helped someone with “this
sort of problem”…
And the real questions is:
“Is it really a BIG DEAL?”
Let me know what you think. You can email me your
response (crjames100@gmail.com) or post a comment…
Take care!
Regards,
CR James
Jeff | Reply
I was in a relationship with a woman who had previously contracted herpes. She not only told me prior to our going out but asked me how I felt about her having it. Because she caught herpes at a time when it was less virulent, I took a calculated risk and proceeded to have an intimate relationship with her. I never caught herpes from her (we dated for about 16 months).
I appreciated that she was considerate enough to inform me in advance so I think that it’s important to tell a potential partner if you have herpes. Whether or not it’s still considered a non-fatal “plague” by society doesn’t remove the obligation of letting the other person make the decision on whether or not he or she wants to take a risk of catching it.
I think it’s safe to say that 100% of the people who catch it wish that they hadn’t and that many also bear a considerable amount of hostility towards the person who gave it to them, which can sometimes result in tragic consequences such an act of violence.
AdamY | Reply
Absolutely have to tell. His partner(so) has a right to know there is a potential risk. To not tell would be negligent, if not criminal at least immoral.
NoIllusions | Reply
If he does NOT tell her, he is guilty of with-holding vital information – Information that is Vital to her health, and to her right to know what she is getting into (or what is getting into her).
A with-held truth is just a different form of lie.
It is associated with sex because that’s how it is transmitted.
It has nothing to do with being a slut or a pimp. Anyone can catch it, but you have to have sex to catch it.
Maybe there is a dating site for people with Herpes?
I remember once dating a woman who, when we were about to “Do it,” decided to tell me she had it.
It was OK (protection was available), but that is one of those things.
Perhaps, a discussion on “when to tell”.
Start one.
T | Reply
Yes, you do indeed have to tell them “if” you feel that you will be having a relationship with a woman. The disease itself is not that severe. However, to become intimate with a woman and not give her the decission to proceed is wrong.
I met and fell in love with a wondeful woman who contracted HSV from a dishonest man. It devistated her. and she withdrew into herself. when we began dating she kept it to herself until it was apparent that there was “something” more between us than just a date or two. When she told me, I respected her even more for her honesty and integrity. I chose her for being so forthcoming with this way of life for her.
We have been together for almost 9 years and I have no intention of ever leaving her. I depend on her and I always will. I do not have HSV and I am not a carrier. But, if the time comes, then I am and have always been prepared for it.
So, if you withold this until you know there is the possibility you are going to be intimate with a woman, you may find that special person who will respect you for your honesty and integrity. Then, you will be surprised by the amount of commitment and respect that woman will have for you.
My wife is.
Luis | Reply
Hello CR.. once again.. let me just say that you’re awesome and the advices that you (and guys like you) give, helps a lot of men around the world (sadly I think we live in a society that has lost -or almost lost- the knowledge of “manhoodship”…)
Anyway, as for the matter in hand.. my honest point of view is…
1- In the broad scheme of things… anything that you’re “selfconscious” about is a never a good thing, for example, being too short, too skinny, too fat.. whatever.. if you’re selfconscious about it, it will affect you and your relationship with not only women, but also with other men… so the best way to overcome it (to me at least) is to start forgetting about it, because really “one bad trait” is nothing if you compare it to a lot of different good traits (which WE ALL HAVE). And if you’re really cool about it and you can laugh about it, that will imply not only that you’re confident but also you will make others lose their selfconsciousness about their own insecurities. (BTW.. making fun of “one little trait” is NOT THE SAME as making fun of yourself… which is never cool).
2- Now, on the specific matter of STDs, I think there’s a moral obligation to be honest to the person you want to be intimate with… you can be cool about it, but you have to be a stand-up guy and give the other person at least some of idea on who she/he will be messing with… for example, if I want to eat fish… the waiter should let me know whether it’s fresh or not… that way if I catch salmonella at least I will know if it was my own fault.
In Paraguay we have a saying that goes kind of like this: “La sinceridad mantiene la amistad” (Sincerity maintains the Friendship).
One last thing, now that I have the opportunity, let me ask you (and your readers) if they know a good way to “break the ice” with German Girls. You see, I just arrived to Dortmund a couples of days ago I will be staying here for a year.. so any tips will be very appreciated (cultural differences can be a pain in the ass to overcome sometimes).
Keep up the good work!
Luis
Jose | Reply
I think that he definitely has a responsibility to let any person that he is planning to get sexually involved with know that he has herpes.
It is an STD and people should be aware of the risks prior to getting sexually involved with someone.
Even though he may not be lying to her by not telling her, he would be being deceitful. Even though he doesn’t think it is a big deal, other people might think it is a big deal.
Jose
mohammed | Reply
Thank u Cr james for wanting me to share my opinion in this matter…I will add my voice to the other comments that he should tell his partner about his condition…u know just from moral prospective….the point is that if he does not tell her on the basis that he thinks herpes is not a big health problem anymore…he would not be a liar; but, actually, there is some deceit…which will jeopardize the trust issue between the couple….u know, James, the thing that u did teach us about how ladies follow up with their chain of thoughts….u know things like : ” what else is he not telling me?!!”…
my advice, come clean about this one…and heck, u can calmly and confidently educate her about this condition and how it is just overhyped and stereotyped in the minds of the people…CALMLY AND CONFIDENTLY in a way u give off a subtle signal that u value her choice and her decision to take the relationship to te next level (intimacy)…guess what, there is a very high chance that u gain a lot of points…if it goes to the next level, that’s good…if not, she will always value and befriend u..and even tell her friends about u…and among her friends, definiltly, a lady would not have a problem with ur condition and will be willing to be with u…
Mr. Malcolm W. Butler II | Reply
Dear CRJ,
How are you today and your family, better I am believing. Thank you for your question: Honesty is always the best policy for man or woman from the beginning.
The best respect will be earned regardless of the outcome. Being even a healer, one must be honest up front: it allows one to accept the out come on their terms, not terms forced on them; I like to know so I can make that choice, it’s fair and the respect should be returned with a greater magnitude.
Life is always made beautiful when the respect is given up front.
Sincerely,
Mr. Malcolm W. Butler II
Stephen | Reply
Dear CR James,
You’ve asked for comments on the fellow with Herpes which demonstrates a major consideration that nearly all gurus choose to ignore – the tremendous risk in dealing with the opposite sex.
In the case of your example, his potential is ruined by a bad historical decision for a bed partner because his disease limits his choice of future mates to individuals too dim to recognize the consequences. The upshot of this problem is that focusing on “seduction” is VERY dangerous. A terrific TV series on the Oxygen Channel is “Snapped” – at least fifty documentary shows of males who have been murdered by their bad choice of mates. Every quality serious male needs to STUDY each and every episode of this series for his own protection.
My estimate is that upwards of 95% of the adult female population are individuals that no quality male should have anything to do with. There are countless examples of ruined health, lost careers and even lost lives of males who focus on “seduction” when they should have been practicing exclusion. And I am talking about doctors, lawyers, politicians, sports figures and educators have lost their lives to ruthless women. To reduce the huge risks society has imposed upon predatory males, rather than superficial external characteristics which can be changed, he should concentrate on investigating personal integrity and character.
Any guru who does not devote considerable time to advising about protection is hypocritical and placing his clients at risk.
Sincerely,
Stephen
Roshan | Reply
Hi Mr CR James,
How are you,I am fine.
It is really long time we are chatting like this.as you say the question is “Is it a Big Deal”.so what did you say and what was the respond from him.
I think it is not a good question for asking someone. if i were you i am saying “Every deals are big and not easy”.
thanks
Roshan
Peter | Reply
This situation may not be a big deal for him and herpes may have a bad wrap but at the end of the day the girl would have a higher chance of contracting herpes with him.
He is putting the girls at risk however small a risk is a risk. If undiagnosed herpes can have serious consequences, if warned off at least the girl can get periodic checks or be on the look out for symptoms. Remember it should be their choice.
R | Reply
Hi.
There is another way to look at the problem, resolve the problem.
How, herpes can’t be cured by western medicine, not very many successful Anti-viral drugs have ever been made, to complex in there molecular structure, hard to copy.
But in herbal / natural medicine there any many compounds that either kill or stop reproduction (inc silver (colloidal)) of viruses.
Where do you think that western medicine gets most of its ideas from for drugs, by copying nature.
If he searches on the net he will find information on this, he should study it for while to learn what he is up against.
3 clues
All prepared as a tincture
Black Walnut hulls.
(must be fresh, whole and GREEN) anti-viral
Wormwood anti -viral
Cloves (for cooking) anti-bacterial
to clean up the mess from the 2 above.
Something to help boost your immune system.
Good food.
Good sleep.
Water, water.
(maybe even zapping) , western medicine use to help repair broken bones that won’t heal by placing straps either side of the break and passing a small electric current through it to kill viruses / bacteria.
I have used these regularly for nearly 20 years. They are fantastic, with no side effects.
One of the best things I have ever learnt about.
That’s what I would be aiming for, cure, rather than having to act in a way that is not pleasing to anyone, especially himself.
If you don’t feel that you can tell them. Maybe your with the wrong person.
What if you met the right girl and didn’t tell her, and it damaged your relation later.
A problem that should not be there to start with.
Cheers
R
Dietmar | Reply
HI CR,
Even if he has not any symptoms he can still infect his sex partners. He should advice his gf that she may become infected and they should use condoms to reduce the risk.
Genital herpes can cause recurrent painful genital sores in many adults, and herpes infection can be severe in people with suppressed immune systems. Regardless of severity of symptoms, genital herpes frequently causes psychological distress in people who know they are infected.
There is no treatment for it.
It is a Big deal to pass this decease knowingly on to somebody else. It is criminal.
To Luis and the German girls:
There are huge cultural differences but CR’s concepts & ideas still apply. They just tend to value things a bit differently. It is interesting and fun to discover a new culture. Enjoy it!
Take care,
Dietmar
Jan | Reply
Herpes may not be a big deal for the questioner, but it may be a big deal for the lady who may catch it.
Carroll | Reply
Yes, it is!!!
Nolan | Reply
Yes, I think it is a BIG DEAL. I don’t want any STD’s and anyone with an STD should let partners know before kissing let alone sex.
Rap | Reply
I think he’s confused about trying to please people.
And he just needs to ask himself if he wants to 1. lower his standards to please everyone, or 2. raise his standards to please those who deserve him (including himself)
He says what he has is not a big deal, but its been made taboo. so…
He can clear up a misconception many people have which means he has the opportunity to be smart and gain points with a woman he likes. That would be a test of if they are right for him.
If he wants to be intimate with women who won’t listen to him or don’t understand him, than he seems desperate, and he should think about what he’s trying to get out of that intimacy – an external source of self esteem?
1. He shouldn’t need to tell people he has herpes, unless they are at the point of the relationship ready to be intimate
2. If the topic of Herpes comes up, he can discuss it without identifying himself as a carrier
3. If he is ready to be intimate with the person he should already be comfortable talking to them, and at that point if they don’t feel the way he feels, he can take the outbreak medicine, or he can let them know they can just be friends – and he can move 1 step closer to finding a woman who will be completely open to him when they are intimate because they trust him and respect his courage (hear the arcade sound lol)!
peace, Rap
Leonard | Reply
Hi CR,
I have the virus. My wife knew I had it before we had sex. I avoided sex with her while I had symptoms, but she got the virus anyway. We tried together to avoid her being infected, but it seems the virus can be passed along even when there are no symptoms.
My advice: Be totally honest with your sexual partner. Not everything is known, yet, about herpes.
Please withhold my email address an name.
All the best,
Leonard
Instructor CR James | Reply
I appreciate your response. I think it’s a very helpful and honest.
G | Reply
ALWAYS tell your partner that you have any STD before you have sex with her —- particularly one that is NOT curable as Herpes and AIDS are.
Not only is it the responsible and ethical thing to do, respecting her by giving her a choice in the matter (especially since her future life could be effected detrimentally) but it is also ILLEGAL TO NOT DO SO, like murdering someone.
But i have a further thought for this gentleman to think about; condoms are one of the least effective means of birth-control, regardless of modern propaganda, second only to the Rhythm Method … and a woman can only get pregnant a couple days out of the month, but an SSD is as easily transmitted each day of the week. The first is like playing Russian Roulette with only one or two chambers of the gun having a bullet while the latter is like playing it with only one empty ~~~~~ and i have another thought for you; you live with Herpes every day of your life, and will for the rest of your life … why would you take chances of doing that to someone else, especially someone you are supposed to care about (unless she has herpes, as well, and doesn’t have to worry about contracting it at this point). That is about the cruelest thing i think one thing can do to another, especially since you are doing it knowingly.
And by the way, resorting to oral and/or anal sex instead of vaginal sex does not keep the partner from contracting Herpies; people can get herpies in any muscous membrane — the mouth, the anas, and even the eyes.
G | Reply
By the way, i know how it feels to live with a lethal STD …. or atleast a taste of it.
Many years ago i lived with and had sex with a man who was high risk for AIDS; even though i’d had no other man than him (and had been a virgin before him, celabate after him), i was high risk because of my contact with him. Until i had a test many years after we went our ways, i lived as if i were HIV positive, silently taking precautions to protect other people just in case i was indeed positive. I had a the test when it seemed that a relationship was developing between a gentleman and myself — i took the test to know whether or not to allow the relationship to develop; had it been positive, i would not have allowed it to.
Anahid | Reply
He sounds like a self serving person, living in his own little sex world with a bothered conscience but glad he’s doing something about it.
It’s good that he’s told some girls he has herpes but he should tell all girls. How old are the girls he is having sex with? Do they know all there is to know about herpes? If he wants to act like an adult and have sex, he should become a responsible adult and use protection or better yet, abstain. Just because he thinks it’s not a big deal to him, it doesn’t mean that it’s not a big deal to a girl (especially to one who may be uninformed of the consequences.)
Does he know of the harmful effects of herpes to a woman? Does he know that if she gets pregnant it could pass on to the baby? Does he know that it is incurable? It may be treated but it stays dormant and can return when the body’s immunity is low? Are these girls old enough or mature enough to make a sound decision? When does he tell them, when it’s too late to stop? Does he realize that by infecting one person he’s infecting all other partners?
M3iSTER | Reply
Well, I’m clean and all (and I hope it stays that way)… But if a girl had ANY disease, I’d appreciate her full honesty, just as I would be honest with her if I hypothetically caught something.
I like raw sex and all, but I’m not bypassing the jimmy hat/dental dam until I’m SURE she’s clean… Even if it means taking her to get tested twice and using it for the 6 months in between testing.
However, I’m sure nobody in life (except “bug chasers”) wants do deliberately be infected by STIs, and I’d sure as hell be pissed if I found something hopping on me.