She Cheated With The Short Chubby Guy


CR,

I HAVE A SITUATION WITH MY RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE REC’D YOUR BOOKS.

I LIKE THEM A LOT.

MY SITUATION IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT. MY WIFE HAS ALREADY HAD AN AFFAIR. WITH A GOOBER. IT HAPPENED A YEAR AGO… I TRULY BELIEVE IT IS OVER BETWEEN THEM.. OF COURSE, MY CONFIDENCE WAS DRASTICALLY SHAKEN. I AM FROM A SMALL TOWN AND VERY WELL KNOWN IN THE COMMUNITY.

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT OUR SITUATION BECAUSE OF BEING IN A SMALL TOWN . I LOVE MY WIFE. SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME. HOWEVER, OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP SUCKS. SHE SAYS SHE DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT & THAT I NEED IT.

OVER OUR 14 YEARS TOGETHER I HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT OF A “BEGGAR”. I DON’T WANT THAT & DON’T NEED IT. I HAVE FOUND OUT THROUGH THIS MESS I HAVE OPTIONS. I COULD HAVE A LOT OF WOMEN, BUT I WANT THE ONE I HAVE!

I HAVE PLENTY OF CONFIDENCE AGAIN, BUT I HAVE BEEN THAT OVERLY NICE GUY FOR A LONG TIME. UPON READING YOUR SUPER LUST BUTTONS

SHE STARTED CRYING!!

I FELT HORRIBLE BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS GIVING HER A COMPLIMENT. SHE SAID I DEVALUED IT. WHICH I DID, BUT NOT TO THAT POINT. WE ARGUED SOME. THEN I TOLD HER I KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS TO FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO VALUE. (BEING CHEATED ON).

I DID NOT SAY IT DIRECTLY. SHE GOT UP AND LEFT. THIS MORNING, SHE GAVE ME A HUG AND TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME AND THAT SHE WAS SORRY FOR BEING SO EMOTIONAL LAST NIGHT. SHE ALSO ASKED ME IF HER OUTFIT LOOKED DUMB. I FELT THAT SHE WAS LOOKING FOR MY APPROVAL.

I FEEL LIKE I AM DEALING WITH SOMEONE WITH A VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM. SHE HAS TOLD ME SHE DOES NOT FEEL GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. SHE TELLS ME HER FRIENDS ALWAYS TELL HER HOW HOT I AM.

I COULD HAVE A LOT OF WOMEN AND SHE KNOWS THAT.

SO, THE CHARISMA AND CONFIDENCE THING IS NOT AN ISSUE. BUT, I DO HAVE A HISTORY OF BEING TOO NICE. THE GUY SHE CHEATED WITH IS SHORT, CHUBBY AND “NOTHING TO LOOK AT”. THOSE ARE HER WORDS AND I HAVE SEEN THE GUY.

I AM TALL WITH AN ATHLETIC BUILD. WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE I FEEL THAT SHE DID THAT BECAUSE IT MADE HER FEEL BETTER ABOUT HERSELF. MY WIFE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE AND I LOVE HER AND WE HAVE 2 WONDERFUL KIDS.

BUT, THIS SUCKS!

I WAS A FLOWER GUY. I WAS THAT SUPER NICE GUY THAT SHE WAS PROUD TO CALL HERS.

I DON’T NEED THAT. SHE DOES! SHE NEEDS FOR ME TO TELL EVERYONE ELSE HOW GREAT SHE IS. I THINK SHE IS GREAT, BUT SHE CHEATED ON ME MAN! I WILL NOT BRING IT UP TO HER ANYMORE, BUT SHE STILL DOES NOT SHOW ME MUCH AFFECTION. SHE IS GETTING BETTER. SO AM I. I JUST DO NOT WANT TO MAKE HER FEEL DEVALUED, BUT I DON’T WANT TO DEVALUE MYSELF IN THE PROCESS. DO YOU HAVE ANY ANSWERS OR INPUT? THANKS. BY THE WAY, WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER OUR SEX WAS INCREDIBLE, SO I KNOW SHE IS A FREAK IN THERE.

I HAVE NOT SEEN IT FOR A LONG TIME. HELP! BOOK I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS NOT PRESSING THE RIGHT BUTTONS. LAST NIGHT, WE WERE TALKING AND I TOLD HER THAT PEOPLE AT WORK WERE ENVIOUS OF MY FOOD SHE MADE. SHE ASKED WHAT THEY SAID. I TOLD THEM. THEN THEY ASKED ME WHERE I GOT IT. MY REPLY WAS;”YOU BUY IT IN A BOX AND ADD PEPPERS AND ONIONS AND MAKE IT YOUR OWN.”

Hi Don

In situations where the woman has a low self esteem (as you mentioned), you have to ‘focus’ all of your attention on improving that – while understanding that it really is up to her to improve.

And the reason is based on what you have experienced (and will continue to experience — unless it changes) which is a series of ‘you can’t win’ situations…

For example: When you put a bunch of effort into making her feel good & valued, she treats you much like women ‘naturally treat’ guys who respond to them in this way…

But when you do the opposite, she quickly feels devalued and worthless…

As a result, you can’t win…(or at least that’s how it feels)

Here’s the deal, I believe that everything/every-situation can be interpreted in a bad way and a good way…

People with very low self esteem tend to ‘automatically’ (unconsciously) see the ‘bad’ in things. And it feels very real to them.

It’s like they got ‘see the world in a bad way’ glasses on… cognitively, they have the brain-habit of filtering for ‘the bad’ – and in their minds that is ‘reality’…

So this is the reason why the PRIMARY GOAL [see my Caps Lock button works, too] is to assist her in improving her outlook and self-worth…

Are there times when you turn her down for sex?

For example, how often is she in the mood while you are *not* in the mood?

Because if she believes that sex is always available for her, then the VALUE of it goes down…

Many women who has the belief that she can ‘get it any time she wants’, will tend to devalue the sex…

The guy at that point, definitely needs to either turn her down or ‘create the perception
that she has been turned down’ (via “pseudo rejections” — ie “last night I was going
to approach you for sex but something you said turned me off….”)…

That way she doesn’t walk around with the belief that she can “get it” any time
she wants…

Humans are conditioned to respond to the “Laws of Value”.

Supply & Demand.

In other words:

** SCARCITY (or the perception of scarcity) INCREASES THE VALUE IN THINGS (that goes for anything… ie material items, activities, sex etc)…

** ABUNDANCE (or the perception of abundance) DECREASES THE VALUE IN THINGS (that goes for anything… ie material items, activities, sex etc)…

So if ‘the supply of sex’ is abundant, the perception of the value of sex goes down by some degree…

Another thing, you have to set boundaries for her…

There’s nothing wrong with being nice, but I get the impression that she knew that you
wouldn’t leave her if she cheated…

That’s not good.

How did you find out? How did you respond to that?

Because if a woman ever ‘gets the impression’ that she can do whatever she wants and you
WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, then it is IMPOSSIBLE to maximize your Sexual Value..

The guys ends up creating an environment that is almost impossible for the woman to
experience the wild-urges that are locked up inside of her…

Also, what is her perception of ‘the likelihood that you would cheat on her’ or ‘leave her’…

There has to be rules because you can be & feel confident, BUT TO A WOMAN – they tend to measure and interpret confidence based on what the man ‘tolerates’ (among other things)

According to how things predictably work in our amazing universe, a guy who puts up with a lot of bullshit doesn’t get assigned with ‘being confident’ and ‘earning her respect’…

Even though he can intelligently articulate WHY he puts up with it, it doesn’t mean he is confident…

Which brings us full circle to ‘helping her improve’….

Here’s where it gets interesting (because this is something that most people think about)

If the woman “believes” you are much better than SHE (on any level that matters to her), often times she finds it hard to respect you. It’s actually no different than another woman viewing your situation from the outside while thinking ‘Why is it settling/tolerating a woman like HER?!!!’ …except SHE is the woman! (LOL)

She ends up saying to herself

“He must be a loser guy with no confidence, if is going to put up with that lousy bitch!”

So when you build her up (strategically increase her confidence) you’ll get her to ‘feel’ as though she is on your level. And she begins to ‘feel’ like she DESERVES a great & amazing guy like you.

Take Care..

Warmly,
CR James



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  1. Jon | Reply

    My wife has low self-esteem and there is so much truth in this post. It is really difficult because if you do try to compliment her, you often times get the “loser effect” (i.e. “I know I’m not pretty, so when he tells me I am, he is either lying trying to get some, or he has really low standards – loser!”)

    Another aspect is that since she is constantly beating herself up, she expects you to take the same shit that she is dishing out to herself. For example, she is always blaming herself, so she is quick to blame me for stupid stuff. Then, even though I don’t like to place blame (I just don’t see the point), if I try to defend myself by pointing out similiar things that she does, it seems like I’m the one placing the blame.

    The strategy that I’ve found works best to diffuse this cycle is remaining firm and calm. Even though she is seething with anger, don’t let anger slip into your response. It’s difficult because part of her “game” is to get you involved emotionally in the fight she is starting. But if you can stay above it, remain firm, respond rationally, and then demonstrate that you aren’t angry about the exchange (One trick I use is to immediately switch gears and start playing happily with one of our kids)then she is allowed to question whether her anger is justified. Since you aren’t angry (you didn’t take the bait) you are sending a strong signal that she is being silly.

    I would be interested to hear from anyone with specific strategies to raise her self-esteem without triggering “the loser effect”.

    Thanks C.R. for creating this blog. I think alot of guys could really benefit from discussing this stuff, but its not something that most guys are comfortable discussing with their friends. So the blog is the answer!

  2. Luigi Di Serio | Reply

    Read this funny story…
    http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22439156-5012895,00.html

    Two people were cheating on each other (cyber) with each other. This says a lot about perception and sexual triggers, fantasy, etc.

  3. Dave | Reply

    so, she cheats on you and *you* show even MORE love and acceptance? You are REWARDING her for whorish behavior. Men need to develop standards with these cheap women and hold the women to the standards. Divorce rates are very high these days and there is a trend among relationship therapists developing in an effort to curb the divorce rates; They are telling people that you CAN indeed ‘get over’ an affair! Well, you cannot! You will NEVER forget that act of ultimate betrayal. Never. A woman who cheats on you once, never loved you. love doesn’t allow such betrayal. She will do it again…and again…because she doesn’t value you nor your feelings. Cheating is NOT the result of ‘low self-sesteem’, it is the result of the narcissistic trend of today’s women who have been brainwashed by radical feminists that THEIR needs are at the center of the universe, to hell with everyone else. Today’s women are entitlement queens who will get their ‘needs’ met at any expense. Your wife has failed to see your contributions and sacrifices you have made for your family. She WILL blame YOU for her affair. In fact, the longer you remain with her the more HER affair will become about YOU who can’t forget about it! You deserve MUCH better than this. Self-respecting females do not stay with men who cheat on them, it is time that men learn again to respect themselves. Asking how you can fix a marriage after an affair is like asking how you can un-break an egg. She broke the marital contract with you and you will NEVER trust her again. I’ve been there bro so trust me when I say that your marriage is over. You can’t un-break an egg and you can’t ‘restore’ a marriage after infidelity; the whole idea of ‘marriage’ rests on fidelity. You will never feel safe to love someone fully after they have cheated. Never. Go and get someone more worthy of YOU.

  4. married to a cheater | Reply

    Well, my wife cheated with a very tall scrawny guy so we have something in common – the cheating that is. What gets me is that I am far better looking than him but he had plenty of money I heard. Plus he pandered to her emotional whims which is what lots of women really want from a man.

    Looks are not as important to most women, they want to be cherished and put on a pedestal, but it’s hard to do that every day in a marriage. That’s why they start looking around for it.

  5. Instructor CR James | Reply

    Cheating can take place as a result of low esteem because “how you feel” (about yourself) affects your decisions.

    “Once a cheater – Always a cheater” is a cliche.

    In reality, people make adjustments and improvements in all aspects of life.

    That’s like saying once a drug addict always a drug addict…or “once a smoker always a smoker”.

    That presupposes that we are incapable of making adjustments (growth) in our outlook/philosophies and how we deal with situations…

    When in fact, we (earthlings) are designed to adapt.

    Does that mean a guy SHOULD stay with the woman if she cheats? I wouldn’t. Lots of guys wouldn’t…

    However, there are couples who have patched things up post-affair and are happy.

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