Episode #3: Should He Wait or Run?!

Hey boys and girls…


I’m still waiting for someone to be like: “Oh yeah. I met her when she was a virgin BLAH BLAH BLAH; the relationship is incredible!”

I’m sure that’s the case for some guys.

In this day and age, more women need to have respect for their bodies…

But at any rate, check out this guy’s situation – and let me know what he should do
(send all emails to crjames100@gmail.com)…

Again, send me an email (crjames100@gmail.com) or post a comment

Take Care

CR James

RSS Feed for This Post38 Comment(s)

  1. Luigi Di Serio | Reply

    Hey guys,

    It seems like the issue is the fact that this two indivduals who are dating live on totally different planets. If you have not discussed with her that your plan is to get married in 6 years then its obvious she will be sitting in the dark, clueless about what’s going on. I am sure if she heard that, she’d dump you and solve this whole situation. Although underlying it all there is probably that your not implementing CR’s techniques, be even more blatant is the fact that this relationship comes down to a total lack of understanding a communication. Each party needs to be clear as to what they want and what they are bringing to the table. Marriage is after a contractual agreement. Not to cheapen the beauty of eternal bondage, but contracts should be clear and concise. Now I not all for over discussing an issue, but I think you and your girlfriend need to have a series of serious talks, since a total an utter lack of clarity exists here.
    Ciao, best of luck.

  2. Luigi Di Serio | Reply

    Speaking of being about barely being able to type, pardon my sloppy grammer, I am trying to read play by plays on European champion’s league soccer while at work and reading this simultaneously. Sorry

  3. Shabadoo | Reply

    1. Do NOT marry her.

    2. If she does not like #1, then move on to another girl. girls that want to get married before they ever have sex usually have really uptight attitudes about other crap.

    Don’t change your life plans just because you want to have sex with this girl. keep your plans, and have sex with other girls. Do not put a ring on it! Sounds like she listens to too much Beyonnce music (single ladies).

    There are cases in which people find sex painful no matter what they do. It’s referred to as dysparenia when it is pain before, during, or after sex, occurring in both males and females. In females, some experience vaginismus, which basically is a barricade (tightening) to penetration attempts, that she can’t control and finds extremely painful. It’s an actual cock-block.

    If one of those is the case, tell her to go to a sex therapist, or to get a vibrator, or use your fingers and find out what she can handle next time you try, (if you get another shot, that is), get her to RELAX, and make her dismiss any negative attitudes or beliefs she has about sex. If you do it right, she will beg for your dick, eventually, but it might take time (days, maybe even weeks). And when she lets you use your dick, don’t just jam it in there-she is not a pornstar.

  4. Instructor CR James | Reply

    “Don’t just jam it in there – She is not a pornstar” needs to be on a T-shirt.

    It’s hard to disagree with Luigi & Shabadoo…

    I (personally) can not think of any reasons that would justify waiting in a situation like this…

  5. Ergest | Reply

    CR, is this a joke? 🙂 What tough situation?

    This girl is really smart and he’s a moron so she used the whole “sex till marriage” trap to keep him around for 4 years without sex. WHAT?!?!? Who knows who else she used to pleasure herself without him knowing. Oh yeah he’s definitely a douche for buying into that.

    He has no idea how to turn her on to the point where she’s so wet she’s begging for it. He needs to learn that first and then move on from this girl.

  6. Instructor CR James | Reply

    I think he should leave her [YES], but it’s still considered a *tough* situation to be in, right?

    …especially if you care for the girl.

    Every guy can’t be like Pimp Daddy Ergie.

  7. Steve | Reply

    This is easy, tell her you have a problem and you need her help.
    Problem: you need to have sex but can’t wait until you get married
    Possible solutions
    1. waiting until you get married; this is not a solution as this was discussed as one of the parameters of the problem
    2. She has sex now before she gets married. problem solved
    3. You stay with her but have sex with someone else, she maintains her integrity, you have sex. Problem solved
    4. You dump her and have sex with someone else. Problem solved

    The critical thing is to make her feel important by keeping her involved in the decision making process

  8. Instructor CR James | Reply

    Steve. That was funny!

  9. Emily | Reply

    Granted, I’m a woman, so I may not have the “right” answer from your perspective, but I’ll give it a go. 🙂

    If this were a friend and he came to me with this situation, I’d ask him how he truly felt about this lady. It’s been my experience that when it’s right, it’s right; I’ve had friends who once swore they’d never get married agree to marry a wonderful woman after a year of dating. I’d think that if he loved her enough after all this time, he’d maybe try to figure out a way to marry her and complete his studies (I do know plenty of married grad students, after all).

    Of course the sex thing may complicate all that. My friends who got married to their wonderful new loves were not in the position of “marry me or no sex” That is a rough spot to be in, and I wouldn’t want to put anyone in that situation either. If I was truly that adamant about it, I would be honest with my bf and tell him I wouldn’t budge, and if he couldn’t hang we should break up, for both our sakes. Maybe I would want to marry him, but that feels too much to me like marriage under duress, which is never, EVER a good idea from what I’ve seen. Marriage shouldn’t happen because of something like promised sex; it should happen because two people truly care about and respect each other. Holding sex over someone’s head with the intention that it’ll get them to marry you doesn’t seem very respectful to me at all. Also, what if they find out they are not sexually compatible? I know a guy who married a wonderful lady, but she is completely frigid in bed –
    mostly due to her religious upbringing. I don’t know if that’s the situation here, but my friend has to basically plead with his wife for sex – she consents maybe 2 or 3 times a year – and then she pretty much just lays there. She won’t let him go down on her cause she thinks it’s dirty, or something. But the point is, I would be wary about marrying a woman who obviously has some sort of problem about sex. If I’m with a guy – well, I am not religious – but if I’m with a guy and he turns me off, I won’t have sex with him. If I’m with a guy I really care for and feel good about I will, especially if we’ve established a long term relationship/trust. Is she worried he’ll run off after sex after 3+ years?! If he’s waited this long, I doubt that’s the case.

    I’d think these two should have a long talk about what sex means to them and if they really feel like they love each other or what – I don’t know, it’s hard for me to grok the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ mindset but if that’s what it is they should really sit down and discuss it and see if it will cause problems even if they do marry. Maybe she just doesn’t like sex and would only do it as her wifely duty? Would he really want that?

    If they really do love each other, maybe they could try couples’ counseling or some sort of compromise – marriage in 2 or 3 years, not 10? That’s if they feel they want to be together.

    If they are unsure or if they don’t want to talk or she refuses to discuss it at all, then they should look for people more suited to them (I know it may sound odd, but men with low sex drives do exist).

    How’s that?

    Waiting to see what your answer is, of course. 🙂


  10. Instructor CR James | Reply

    I tend to agree with much of what you said. Although, I’ve never subscribed to the belief that “love” eliminates massive philosophical differences and stuff like that…

    Although “mutual love” along with “mutual sensibility” can often lead to a situation where both people end up being satisfied with the outcome…

  11. Ergest | Reply

    Ha Pimp Daddy…I wish 🙂 If he cares for the girl, which may make sense if she’s a good girl (although there’s no such thing), then his only choice is to learn more about sex and learn how to please her and build lots of tension. No woman can withstand tension forever, and her breaking point will come easily (pun intended)

  12. no_illusions | Reply

    That guy should cut and run like a scalded ape.

    At the very least, they need to go to “couples therapy” and talk it all out. I suspect that he will still need to run.

    She is using emotional blackmail and with-holding of sex to get him to do what SHE wants.

    It might be so simple that she believes that sex before marriage is sinful, etc. But if that is the case, he had better reconcile himself to her religion, or get on the run.

    I would suggest that he sit down, alone, and write out all his feelings about what is happening, and how he feels about what she is doing. He might even ask Carolyn Hax, man, she is brutally honest, more so than Dear Abby ever was. But she’ll tell him something like this.

  13. Instructor CR James | Reply

    “run like a scalded ape” – i like that… it gives a nice visual…

  14. redneckmacguiver | Reply

    She dangling the old hymen in front of your nose. Dude you seem to have a pretty cool plan laid out for your life, BE THE CAPTAIN of your ship and sail that course. If she wants to tag along on the rowboat out on a thin line behind the ship so be it, but SAIL YOUR CORSE. Once she or the dangling hymen takes the wheel its folly on the rocks for sure,as you just traded your reality for one where she is in control. You will be SHOCKED and AMAZED with the quick turn around when she learn that you have favorable winds and a following sea on the way to your own port of call.might even stop the painful sex part for the pleasing you at all costs part. As you keep to your corse you will find more opportunities to frolic with the lasses,This I can promise you. Learn to recognize shit tests for what they are and refuse to play that game. Be true to you first last and always!

  15. Instructor CR James | Reply

    the dangling hymen advisory. i love it.

  16. thedarkestclear | Reply

    Guys, haven’t we all been in a situation like this? This is merely a variation on a theme, Granted, the pain could indeed indicate a sexual disorder which should be handled by professional help, but it wouldn’t be the first time a girl tightens up for various mental reasons: not feeling appreciated, loved, feeling ashamed of her body, or a guy that she can jerk around with because he doesn’t arouse her…

    I mean, I’ve had a girl that suddenly jumped up and asked when the next bus leaves while I was giving head, but I also had a girl that was so happy I gave her her first clitoral orgasm which she thought she couldn’t have, she trembled in my arms for twinty minutes…

    I mean we’ve all been there right? For him, it’s “marriage or no sex,” for me it was once “no sex whatsoever, whimp, maybe once a month when I’m horny because I saw this hot guy on the street.”

    Let’s not go too far by saying she’s blackmailing him, because we cannot know. Whatever situation, though, she’s in a more powerful position than he is and he needs to get his power back. Right now, his sexual value is zero… It’s not going to change probably with his current mental state: how would you be when you’re on the verge of a 6 year of platonic blabla relationship. It’s not the actual CONCEPT that haunts him, because that can be easily solved, but the fact he’s going through it, his PERCEPTION of it. That is going to fuck him up mentally and prevent him from doing the right thing.

    Which is getting his sexual value back. And that’s all pretty much explained in CR’s exquisite literature isn’t it?

  17. Instructor CR James | Reply

    the Darkest Clear is right.

    awesome way of putting it…

    (the girl that suddenly jumped up and asked when the next bus leaves while she was giving you head – REMIND ME to tease you about that later!)

    … at any rate, much of a man’s Sexual Value is made up of “power” and “respect”… some of that is achieved conversationally… some of it is achieved through Action & Reaction…

  18. Jack | Reply

    I think an earlier comment hit it on the head. Does she know that you want to wait 6 years to get married? If not, then this is a serious communication problem.

    Solution, communicate! Tell her your plans. If you really care about her, then tell her that too. Tell her you aren’t willing to wait 6 years to have sex. Discuss whether she may have a medical condition that needs treatment. Keep your options open and let her know that you that you are. If she dumps you after open communication, then you are better off.

    If your discussion builds tension and a sense of urgency on her part, then great. But beware, I assume she’s not on the pill so wrap that rascal. Being saddled with kids before you are ready would be the same as getting married before you are ready.

  19. Mike | Reply

    Say goodbye as soon as possible. Sex with her will never be frequent or good, and after you get married and have kids you will be shut out and trapped. Avoid this situation at all cost.

  20. Instructor CR James | Reply

    great advice jack.

    the “wrap that rascal” phrase is unofficially sponsored by every condom company in existence.

  21. Instructor CR James | Reply

    (if i were a betting man, i would say Mike is speaking from experience)

  22. Lorraine | Reply

    I think the guy should do
    some soul searching and
    stop trying to be a player
    and get Jesus in his life.

  23. Instructor CR James | Reply

    that advice has certainly helped
    a lot of people…

  24. Colin | Reply

    Hi James,

    I’ll say if he really likes this girl and thinks he’s gonna settle down with her
    eventually, he should most definitely wait!

    From past statistics, I’ve not come across any married couple that regret
    having saving themselves for their partner. The converse however is
    true. So I say he waits!

    My 2cents worth.

    Best Regards,
    Colin 🙂

  25. Instructor CR James | Reply

    your the first to say that… interesting…

  26. CaptainMorgan | Reply

    Some girls fear that you “won’t buy the cow if you can get the milk for free”.

    As my genius womanizer friend put replied, “Why buy the cow if I haven’t tested the milk?”

  27. Grumpus | Reply

    If they have already been together for 4 years then he should know if he really wants to marry her or not. It’s time to “Shit or get off the pot”.
    I have friends who are happily married who spent less then $500 on their city hall wedding. If she wants a big wedding and you can’t afford it, then promise to renew your vows with a big party on your five year anniversary.

  28. Grumpus | Reply

    Quick add-on, since there seems to be some concern about a cold marriage bed. In the long discussions any couple should have before getting married, there should be a part where sex is discussed. If your woman wants to be the sole focus of your sexual energies, she needs to be up to the task, and she needs to be aware that if she isn’t willing to keep you libido well fed, then you will have to get fulfillment from outside the marriage.

  29. G | Reply

    The reason that this young woman doesn’t want to have sex is the intense pain that she has when they attempt to do so.
    I suspect that she may have an abnormally thick or abnormally formed hyman that will require a doctor to surgically open. Although this is a rare situation it does occur — and it will exist whether or not she has her first sexual experience in marriage or outside of marriage.
    Dispite all our sex education, most of us are WOEFULLY ignorant about a woman’s presexual anantomy, including, and most sadly, us women …. and men about a virgin’s fears, reactions, responses, and how to make a woman’s first time the least traumatic for her, physically and emotionally.
    It is also possible that her pain could also come from fear or other emotional factors(which results in her tensing her body, including her vagina), which is also common among virgins ~~~~ marriage MAY be the answer in this case if she is sensitive about having sex only within marriage because if she marries she will be in a situation that allows her to relax better.
    And her pain could also come from the young man not stimulating her enough and/or in such a way that she lubercates enough ~~~ this situation would require the two people to learn about what arrouses each other, especially what arrouses her.
    If i were advising this young woman and young man, i would advise them to visit her OBGYN first and then go from there according to the doctor’s advice.

    But having said that ………
    I would tell the young man, “If you don’t want to marry for 6-10 yrs., WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOING WHAT MAKES BABIES !!!!!! There is ABSOLUTELY NNNNNOOOOOO birth control that is 100% fool proof — except abstinance, which is definately what you are trying to participate in. ——– or are you planning on forcing your girlfriend to kill/abort any child you might concieve with her and inflict on her the physical and/or emotional consequences women FREQUENTLY experience, including but not restricted to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the inability to carry wanted babies to term, increased chance of developing breat cancer, perferated uterus, asperated intestines, infections (some to the extent of requiring amputation of the arms and/or legs to save the woman’s life), and death.
    And, even if you don’t conceive a baby with her, as the saying goes, “There is no birth control that protects the woman’s heart (and soul).”
    My counsel to the young man is keep up your zipper atleast until you are willing to take responsibility for your actions the way an adult should, including if that means marrying your girlfriend.
    My counsel to the young woman about this situation …. RUN LIKE HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  30. G | Reply

    😀 oooppppsssss ~~~~~ correction …. “—- except abstinatance, which is definately NOT what you are participating in” 😀

  31. G | Reply

    OK, guys, the woman’s side of the “cow thing” is “I don’t intend to buy the whole pig for a little bit of sausage.” Me, i ain’t interested in either.
    ~~~~ and the “dangling hymen” thing, any man that cannot respect of woman’s ethical convictions is not worthy of her ~~~ and as a woman who has been on the end of that excuse men give, every man that i’ve known that gives this line is a hypocrit that expect to marry a woman who is a virgin. Grow up.

  32. GaryB | Reply

    This reminds me of a hot little thing I went out with a long time ago that basically did the same thing, but more indirectly. She left me very emotionally hurt, I soon met someone else and was infatuated; then,a month later she obviously became curious why I wasn’t interested in her like I was, evidently she was real interested in me again- too late, it ended. She had issues with her body, or eating pattern, and in order to hide it she felt compelled to marry her or “your out!!”

    So, I believe he should continue to pursue his goals,with her or without her; and like in SLB [Super Lust Buttons], give her the perception you will be just fine without her-that you won’t go mad like I did. Once you meet someone who shares your desires and shares your goals, she will be a thing of the past, or she will subordinate her fraudulent beliefs, and do an about face.

    My question if she does, be ready for a reoccurring like pattern of behavior in the future, unless CR which I am sure he does, has the recipe to remedy this behavior.

    Good luck

  33. G | Reply

    First, please allow me to appologize for my rudeness in expressing my thoughts; rudeness never has an excuse.

    Second, please notice that the young woman it TRYING to make love to the young man — she is just experiencing ALOT of pain every time she does …. and there can be many physical reasons for that, only some of which i’ve mentioned in my comments above. Her doctor can follow up with her and her boyfriend about these and/or any other concerns that she might have.
    Please give her the benefit of the doubt.

    Third, for those interested in finding out more information about hymens and/or how to make love to a virgin, i recommend that you do an internet search on each, staying with the reputable websites, espcially those that are medical. I did my research with the searches with “hymen” and “how to make love to a virgin”.

    It will also give you feed back from bloggers about their own experiences, both the nightmares and good ideas.

    I hope that will give you information you can use.


  34. Charles | Reply

    Hi CR,

    Let’s see…he wants to have the benefits of marriage without any commitment, and she wants to have the commitment without the benefits of marriage. Seems to me that they are perfect for each other. LOL. Maybe a Relationships For Dummies book for both of them.

    Slightly more seriously, I got married while I was still in grad school, my wife worked until I graduated, then we reversed the roles. But this guy needs to decide what he wants. If he is just looking for casual sex until he finds someone to marry, he should be honest with her. As that can be unpleasant as well as dangerous, he can try to do the mental judo with her after some other intimate event:

    HIM: “Wow, that was great. You know, I been thinking about it and I think you are right.”

    HER: “About what?”

    HIM: “About how we shouldn’t have sex because we are not married and you might get pregnant, and that would be a big mess to deal with, and I’m not working and all that.”

    Even if she hasn’t said that, she won’t deny it because she is a woman and will believe she must have said something that sensible.

    HIM: “So anyway, I have decided that you’re right. It isn’t fair to you and stresses you. I mean, you have been so good to me for the last four years.”

    At this point, her proposed consideration for the proposed bargain has become mostly worthless, and she needs to come up with some way to break the stalemate as the prospects look bleak for the next six years. She will either break up with him, or panic that she is losing him and try to show him what he is missing. Either way, conflict will be resolved.



  35. Instructor CR James | Reply

    LOL. i like that approach charles

    i’m a face-painting front row seat sports fan of “logic-laced mis-quoting” b/c the pain and/or
    effort of correction registers as being too much…

    plus it’s the evolved version of directly saying to a woman:

    “you’re not making any damn sense!”

  36. KrisBelucci | Reply

    Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for posting. I’ll definitely be coming back to your site.

  37. Troy | Reply

    Dump the bitch.

  38. Coolio | Reply

    well there’s a lot of intellectual thought on this email from the guy. and frankly i dont know what all the fuss is about.
    DARKESTCLEAR has got it ‘bulls eye’.
    its just the usual “deceptive” marriage trap game. this cow wants to give milk only when you take her home.
    so its very simple, he has to walk out. A man’s perogrative in this world is what he wants to do. he is currently studying and wants to build a life. there are Other things much more important in life, than just marriage/love.
    besides, has anyone asked her if she’s sure the ‘pain’ will stop after they get married?
    this girl is bad for both of them. ill risk putting my money on that. Nows not the time dude and as he rightly recognizes, marriage is a comittment which is unwilling to make at this point in life. so then the Decision is already made. there no question.

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