Is He A Pedophile or Romeo?

30 Comment(s)

1. CF | Reply

   Hi CR,

   Everything is fine with me, hope it’s the same with you.

   As for this poor guy, he’s in a Catch-22 situation. He met the girl when she was too young, but he was still young then, too.

   Now, he is considered (legally) an adult for sex purposes, but she is not.

   STATUTORY RAPE are the operative words.

   REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER are three more interesting words. That’s not a future I would wish on anyone.

   She’s too young. I hope he lets it go.

   When my daughter was in middle school, she got involved with a neighbor who was a senior in high school. Neither one wanted to understand that the age-difference was very important.

   But it was.

   I felt for him, because his heart was involved, and I could see it. She was my daughter, and I loved her too, and it had to end before anything happened.

   I would say that this guy needs to let it go, move on, and if it is supposed to happen, they will come together again when she is of age.

   I know this is not what he wants to hear (I wouldn’t), but it’s the truth.

   CF

2. JamesMurphy | Reply

   Agree with CF. For her future, as well as for his, no sex until she is of legal age is first requirement. This will be a lot easier if there is no physical contact, much less intimacy, until then. Regretable, but necessary safety measure. Young people, same room, breathing each other’s pheromones = much higher probability of disaster. Avoiding phone sex will make this easier. No phone contact at all might be better for maintaining safe distance, but harder emotionally and mentally. If can talk by phone in terms civil enough to pass parental overhearing, over the next three years may allow the relationship to “mature” to the point of acceptance or to gradually dissipate as new interests develop at both ends. Good luck, pray for suspension of Murphy’s Law in this case. Murph

3. Instructor CR James | Reply

   @ CF, that’s a very fair way of looking at it…

   in regards to your situation, you’re certainly not like most
   fathers who would just look at the age difference and that’s it..

   @ Murph, Good Point: “Young people, same room, breathing each other’s pheromones = much higher probability of disaster”

4. Luigi | Reply

   I think the fact that they can’t be together (especially for a rebelling teenage girl) adds to the appeal. I don’t think this will last, at best it will end ugly one way or another an they break up, at worst, well CF above explained what could be. If they are able to be with each other and the real relationship world hits them, I believe they will not be prepared.

   The girl in this story is of course losing her appeal because the bondage that kept them apart has been cut and it is no longer a sexy challenge. The girl may be hitting the age where she wants to start going out having friends, going to parties and dating and probably doesn’t feel the need to be tied down by her needy boyfriend for the whole summer.

   This is what really concerns me… “Can you explain it or are you clueless as me? Is it only me being insecure suddenly? I just did not know anything to say. She never said something like that and I was like her god, always.”

   First off even asking if CR is clueless makes this kid clueless… Second, he is asking if he is insecure… um, yeah! Third, because of his senior to her, he felt that power, he even goes as far as to describes himself as her god and now that heaven is falling, he is acting like a spoiled devil because he is not getting what he wants… he needs to call it quits before he ends up feeling the fire for his transgressions!

5. Dominic | Reply

   Hey Cr,
   I agree with CF on the legal and societal repercussions on this…
   However, looking at the “seduction/sex value/sex tension” issues..Luigi certainly makes a real good point in regards to that the “bondage” issue or taboo definitely plays into this. I would add also the age difference/maturity taboo played into the sex appeal and horniness. And of course, there’s the good old big fight/make up horniness showing in the story. Its my understanding that since some of these taboos are no longer have the juice, plus this guy seems to be getting desperate, whereas this chick seems to be rising in value; there isn’t too many options for him. But that doesn’t mean it is hopeless! If….

6. Instructor CR James | Reply

   @ Luigi, you made an excellent point!! “The girl in this story is of course losing her appeal because the bondage that kept them apart has been cut and it is no longer a sexy challenge.”

   @ Dominic, i see you’ve made the same observation and well said… if the taboo (tension increasers) elements are removed or minimized…then his value (sexual value and sex value) will fade in a way that both of them won’t understand… to the degree in which his “value” was built on those things…

7. Gary | Reply

   They are two horny youth driven by hormones, with a conscious that is still developing.
   Two personas going on here, her horny exploratory self, and the idealized self her parents want her to be.
   The boy who loves to whistle “please release me” after elementary school because he knew it was going to be just another pleasurable day.
   When sex is the primary lubricant for the relationship, and she is seeing her engine light on; the girl overheats and gets horny and blows a piston rod, or calls a tow truck to get her back safety to mom and dad.

   I don’t know what I would tell him.
   If she changes that much when the sex spigot isn’t turned off, there really was no real love there to begin with.
   If they can abide by the rules of engagement and still love each other, they can marry each other right out of high school and get divorced soon thereafter.

   He should be himself, live his life, love her (unconditionally), and if she can’t handle that, then go find a cute little run away.

8. t2 | Reply

   You need to wake up and fast! A forty year difference is one thing when you are both legally adults,
   a four year difference is a criminal offence when one of you is under legal age in most states. Each state
   has it’s differences, but no state I know of offers consent below the age of 16. So take the time and get
   yourself educated, and follow the law in your state. At nineteen having sex with a fifteen year old is not
   only inappropriate but could land you in jail with a permanent record with a label as a pedophile and
   a registered sex offender. A label that will follow you the rest of your life.

   Ok, let’s look at the rest of it. And if any part of you didn’t like the first part of my answer, I can guarantee
   you are going to hate the rest of it, at least till you think about it.

   You can be somewhat forgiven for being stupid when you are sixteen, but continuing to fuck a twelve
   year old when you know the age difference was no doubt illegal as it was tasteless. You ignored that
   what you were doing was wrong with the excuse that, ‘we’re in love.’ And continued to fuck her, an
   underage girl of fourteen when you knew you are legally an adult. Now that we have stated this clearly,
   ask a judge if you would be convicted of being a pedophile. The only reason you stopped was because
   you got caught. Her parents are idiots. But they may be up against the law, they may know they cannot
   legally stop you from seeing her when she turns sixteen. (Again look up the laws of your state.)

   Now let’s deal with her age. SHE IS FIFTEEN!!!!!!! She is going through hormonal and emotional
   changes as dramatic as menopause. And you expect her to be mentally equipped to deal with a mature
   relationship. On one day she will be completely pissed at you, and the next she tell you she’ll love you
   forever and will never leave you. Oh, wait I know girls in their mid-twenties who still do that?! And now
   it’s exciting cuz all those soft parts you been touching are starting to fill out in just the right ways. And, on
   top of that, don’t they say that the forbidden fruit is the one that tastes the sweetest.

   You cannot expect her to have the maturity to be a match for you. She doesn’t have life experience to gain
   it. And, as long as you two stay together you will stunt each other’s growth in the emotional maturity area.
   If, by some curse of fate, you two wind up married, the statistics are way against you. If you make it two
   years (of marriage) it is likely you will end up hating each other.

   What are you giving up by engaging in an exclusive relationship with a minor? First you aren’t living your life.
   You put it on hold. At an age when you should be enjoying and exploring your sexuality with a variety of
   women you are denying yourself a lot of amazing experiences with other women waiting for one whose
   emotional availability to you you are starting to question.

   She is only one girl. You have put her on a pedestal. And built a picture in your mind of her being far more
   than what she is. You have blinded yourself to her flaws.

   If you were a friend of mine, and do not think I am exaggerating here, I would slap the shit out of you for
   being so stupid. It is not my intent here to be harsh or mean, I am trying to get you to wake up to reality! To
   wake up to the fact that you are putting your future at risk, that continuing down this path will lead to
   depression, anger, and resentment, that staying in a relationship with a four year gulf in age when she is barely
   out of a training bra is damaging to her emotional growth, and cutting your dick off to wait for her is denying you a
   variety of experiences that you don’t know are out there for you.

   And if all this is not enough to persuade you to get your head out from your ass, then ask yourself one question. Can
   I stay with this girl for the next two years, until she is eighteen, and not have sex with her so there is no further
   question of the appropriateness of the relationship? If the answer is, ‘No’, then you have your answer, you must then
   break it off.

   t2

9. Instructor CR James | Reply

   gary, you were 2 car metaphors away from getting 5 bucks off your next purchase

10. Instructor CR James | Reply

    t2, the world needs more anti-sugar coaters.

11. CF | Reply

    CR,

    Thanks. It’s a life-long failing. I see human beings as human beings. What can I say? 😉

    I have had enough trouble getting over the fact that being a “Nice Guy” is no longer good, and “Nice Guy” is now an epithet.

    Actually, I think that is a failure of jargon. The “Nice Guy” who is not accepted is not really a “Nice Guy,” but is a poor, unfortunate, brain-washed idiot who is trying to win a woman by manipulating her in ways of which he is truly unconscious.

    It’s kind of hilarious. The Nice Guy is actually a jerk, because he won’t give the woman what she wants – a good shagging. He’s too busy worrying about whether it would be good for her, and whether she will like him if he does.

    The infamous JERK is really a Nice Guy, because he will give her what she wants – a good shagging. And she loves him for that, and, of course, she is very unhappy when he moves on to the next “flower” to pollinate that one, too.

    Isn’t it fun how things are often the opposite of what they appear?

    CF

12. G | Reply

    Hi, CR
    I don’t know if I might have some input that might help, but we will see ….. and being a woman, i might be coming from a different angle than most of your readers might.

    I would not call him a pedophile since a pedophile has no feelings for his/her victims —– and there are usually more than one victim (I am a victim of childhood sexual molestation — as was my mother’s brother, and, from some of the things that my mother shared with me about her childhood, so was she … and there is evidence that at least one of my other sisters was).
    I would call his situation more of an “oooooooppppps; now what do we do?” situation rather more than anything else.

    But he also has to deal with the law, and he should get some legal counsel.
    My guess is that when she was 12 (and he was 16), he might have indeed gotten himself in a lot of legal trouble … and depending on any statute of limitation in his state, he still might. She is an older teenager, now, so I doubt t that he would be currently be considered a pedophile, but he may still be having to deal with laws concerning having sex with someone before age of legal consent.

    I would advise them to continue seeing each other (as long as her parents are fine with it) but to not have any more sex until she is of legal age, at the very least (remember, she is a minor, unlike most of the women you and your readers are talking about).

    Doing that would keep him out of legal trouble and out of jail … and out of the possibility of being convicted of being a sexual predator and having that horrible reputation following him the rest of his life, controlling every facet of his life (where he lives, works, who he is allowed to live with/marry, and so on and so on).
    That break would also give them a chance to work out their other concerns, including her concerns about them falling out of love with each other (as is often the case with young people who have been a part of bad divorces) —– perhaps even getting some pre-marital counseling, whether or not they ever do actually marry.

    I would recommend that they both just roll with what will happen in their futures; if they are meant to be together, that will happen out of the natural flow of the situation … and if nothing else, if they part, perhaps they can continue being just good friends as each of them move forward in their lives.

    I will think some more on his and her situation, but that is what I am thinking at this point ——– and since he is the older member of the two, it is HIS responsibility to guide what is happening in their relationship.

    G

    PS: If we think of it, most husbands are about 3-4 years older than their wives ….. it’s just that usually the two people meet when they are both adults, not when they are so young. (There were 10 years between my mother’s parents !)
    I think they both need a change to mature a bit more …. especially the girlfriend —– they shouldn’t be needing to hide things from her parents.

    PPS: Another thought, CR, many of your principles help a man seduce a woman —- perhaps using those principles in reverse might help them to NOT be seduced by each other (and I agree about not being in the same room together “breathing each other pharomones/etc.”.—– but also NEVER NEVER NEVER allow themselves to be alone with each other, ESPECIALLY since they have already had sex with each other and will be dealing with a type of withdrawal that sexual relationships create.

13. Instructor CR James | Reply

    you’re right about the age difference. My wife’s parents are 10 years apart.

14. Fred K. | Reply

    For those interested:

    This young lady is 15?

    This is the age lots of young ladies find dispair in their lives, from every direction.

    They use insecurity feelings from every which direction to find excuses to leave their parents.

    They really need honest friends. Not friends interested in sexual contacts with them. Sexual contacts can be considered after they become of age, when they age better able to handle such things. A friend, like this fellow (regardless of what he or she has already done together)can remain being a friend now to this girl, and prevent her from running away from her parents, who she really needs to stay with. A good number of girls this age become runaways. If she were to do this now, this fellow would be the chief suspect at causing something to have happened to her. He may be even charged with kidnapping, which would totally ruin his life.

    At this age these young girls need someone that can talk to them with honest real answers to their questions. If this fellow is too immature, he could consult a parent about her intimate questions, to keep her from running away from home. That is if he can’t figure out that runnaways usually run into dire circumstances with people with deadly sex ideas, and end up dead. You guys all know human nature very well.

    This young lady is of the age that she is more and more becoming a sexual object as you all well know. She can sense this.

    If this fellow is a real friend to her he will help her through this serious time by being a ral friend to her now. Quit the sex talk, unless she really wants it. Then be very prudent with that sort of thing.

    Help her through her tough times now and he will have a friend and a lover for life later after she gets of age, where she is no more her parents responsibilty.

    This fellow needs to switch over from being a person who has sex on his mind to a person who now is her friend – if he really loves and cares for her that much.

    It is now a serious time in her life when she really needs a real friend.

    Runaway situations are never plesant, and this can evolve very fast into that sort of situation.

    We all know – being adults – that she is much better off with her parents until their responsibilty ceases. Then at that time, if he has in some way kept her from having runaway ideas, her parents will thank him.

    A situation which has this sort of thing plastered all over it is the well known Elizabeth Smart case.

15. Instructor CR James | Reply

    Good points Fred. I can think of a few incidents involving teen girls running away and all of them were centered around boys/sex.

16. joe | Reply

    I would say, now that parents know about all depths of this relationship, and the love they say is involved, parents can be persuaded to let them meet in parents’ house. If it’s real love, then the sexless 2 years until she becomes legally accepted for such, would not matter much. The age difference is normal, 4 years. when he becomes 28 she will be 24. sounds quite good. And if it’s love for sex, which I hope is not, then that will prove to both of them over course of time. usually when a girl scares it’s because all pleasure that she received emotionally and physically from a boy, without being charged for, is turning to a big possibly family-related responsibility. and that, can mean she would not want to stand and fight for the boy. It’s no good. But… we just read couple of lines about this scenario, and they know themselves better.

17. joe | Reply

    yes, the question was ‘is he a pedophile, or romeo’?

    Answer: he seems to represent both now, though I think he can try to lose the pedophile tag off of him overtime. He has a long hard harsh journey to prove it. And he better stand up and make a living, because we all can guess they need to marry early.

18. Steve | Reply

    He is a pedophile. Forget the sugarcoating of the love and acceptance by the parents. Where are the true adults in this impending train wreck. Why are they letting their 12 year old daughter have sex with him? If the parents or girl turn on him he is the one going to jail and the tag PEDOPHILE. Grow up and accept that this is wrong on alot of levels.

19. Instructor CR James | Reply

    interesting. joe and steve clearly have different definitions of being a pedophile.

    joe is basically say that it is the intention (i.e. let some time go by and that will determine whether he was a pedophile) that determine label.

    steve has an “it is what it is” definition. if the law says this, then it’s this. period.

20. David Jones | Reply

    Hi Cr, Hope things are good with you.

    This guy is potentially in deep trouble. There is a risk that he could AT ANY TIME, for the rest of his life, be shopped to the law, either by the girls parents, by any “friend” of the girl to whom she has prattled (and boy, do young girls prattle!) or even by the girl herself.

    The parents could change their view at any time, especially if they have even usual puberty problems with the girl, let alone if she was to leave home or “run away.”

    The girl is very likely to share secrets with her “special friend,” girls do, and the friend may not be understanding or may even want to “help” the girl.

    In many parts of the world the Statute of Limitations does not apply to sexual wrongdoing. Even consensual wrongdoing! Think of the cases where a girl/woman accuses a man of rape many years after the event. Think even of the cases of the priests!

    He needs to get his brain working rather than just his penis. This mess could potentially ruin his life!

21. Instructor CR James | Reply

    DJ, good point. Even if it makes the decision to stop, it could come back and haunt him 10 years from now.

22. Johnson | Reply

    Hi James,

    I really pity this guy. His girl has matured and learnt that she needs new experiences outside their relationship. It may even work for his own good since seperation makes the heart grow fonder especially if his bedroom game is superb.

    Advice from my own experience…let the girl go. She has obviously seen your sexual value go down and her heart will not rest till she’s sure that you are the best thing that happened to her (if you get this lucky)..my ex called me up after dating some guy for one year. She nearly got married until she spotted me in town and she hooked up with me and could not stop telling me how much she missed me.(I was like…what the **** is this???) Life is a mystery and women make it more mysterious. She even kept coming to bring me packed lunch in my office despite the fact that I got married….

    The thing is, there’s plenty of wonderful girls out there. Start practicing the activities stated here to up your game. Good luck.

    Regards,

    Johnson..

23. Steve | Reply

    I think her parents have been incredibly understanding. I think you had better stay away from this young lady, if you want to stay out of jail. Keep in touch with her parents consent, perhaps meet while she is being chaperoned by her parents. But sex or anything intimate it is definitely out of the question until she is of legal age. In UK that is she must be 16, in US, I think 18. If you do eventually marry this woman and later you fall out, she may be able to bring charges against you for statutory rape then. You are not playing your cards very well. I think in US you have statute of limitations, here in UK, no such thing.

24. Bill Edmondson | Reply

    This guy had better start thinking with his big head instead of his little one. Being a registered “Sex Offender” is nothing to play with, it is a lifetime obligation and you become a modern day Leper. Find another “Woman”. Take care of yourself first.

25. James | Reply

    Hey CR,

    The group is right here about the sex offender thing if he has charges brought against him he is done, no second chance no real job, no real life. He needs to consol the parents maturely and move on. He needs to take care of himself before he can do anything for a minor.
    My Father was wrongly accused by my Step-sister of molesting her because she was mad that her parents wouldn’t allow her to see an older boy up the street, until it came out in family court that she lied my Father was looking at jail time for the accusation and permanent listing on the sex offenders list. This would have cost him future employment and an inability to provide for my step-mother and half-sister. This guy is playing with fire and he is going to get burned, he needs to just move on and let the parents know why and take responsibiity for his actions. He has his whole life ahead of him, no reason to screw it up now.

26. joe | Reply

    At example James brings up his father was not guilty. This kid is guilty in all ways, and leaving the girl and going for himself may impact her emotionally, and we’re talking deeply rooted problems, for the rest of her life. He better wise up, and take responsibility of what he enjoyed. They say they’re in love, so all know there comes first trouble of love. If he goes to jail or is listed on that list you mention, it’s probably what he deserves. Don’t help him runaway, the girl is going to need him in a couple of years, and if he starts screwing new people, who will take care of that little girl? I guarantee that her parents won’t, judged from their approach so far.

27. Nate | Reply

    I know exactly what this guy is going through. I was in the same boat two years ago. I met the girl when she was 15 we dated two years and everything was amazing. Sex was fantasic and we thought we were in love. some things happend and eventually her parents found out when I was 19 and she was 16. I was threatened with charges but those could go through because of the laws where i was living. Since the parents couldnt charge me with statutory rape, they threatend to put a restraining order against me. Non of these things sounded pleasent, especailly since i was planning on joining the military later that year. Things cooled over the months and her parents agreed to let me talk to her in two years or when she graduated. that was back in 2009. I know for a fact that she has changed since then…and for a while there i was really looking forward to talking and being with her again…never going to happen. Best advice, Let it go as quick as you can or it will haunt you for years to come.the ramifications of what he wants has alot more painful endings then the one good thing that might happen. Its not worth it. CR, always makes a good and interesting points in his reports of the average guy only thinking that there is ONE girl for him. Dont be that average guy, there are SO many Females out there that make a good match.

28. Nate | Reply

    Did I say 15…I ment she was 14 when we met and 16 when we were forced to not see eachother. there is a three year difference between us. Not a good idea until were a bit older or until they are older in this guys case. Girls that age are no where near mentally capable to handle such an intense sexual relationship. and being the older guy makes it easier to get ahold of their loose emotions. It is honestly better for this girl to grow up some before she thinks about getting so involved with one guy. this guy was just addicted to the power he held along with all the attention she would give him. now shes questioning things because shes trying to grow up and he doesnt like the fact that he doesnt have as much pull on her as he used to. such an unhealthy relationship. Sure stay in contact but see other people while you do it. you’ll both be happier

29. Earl | Reply

    Hi CR,
    This is crazy. But I think under law he is a pedofile and not a Romeo. Yet I believe if most girls hear this same story, they will be the first ones to call him Romeo. Yet I don’t know America’s state laws. I sense the girl took advantage of him by lying and saying she was sixteen. And once you’re young and you get addicted at that age it’s trouble to quit. But I’m still not sure if 16 is legal age for sex in America as it is in Trinidad & Tobago. And I don’t think courts care whether or not the girl lies in situations like this. So he’s lucky he can write you an email to ask for help. But I will try to make what little sense I can of the attraction part this way.

    In their relationship I think the guy’s image of high value got tarnished when the girl felt unprotected. I suspect secret sex is like an apartment for a girl. Remember when you said a girl is most attracted to a guy with his own apartment. This feel weird saying this, but I suspect for some girls a secret relationship might be just as good as an apartment, which means a guy who creates secret sexual fantasy has high value as though he lives in his own apartment. So maybe the fantasy of secret romance in this girl’s mind felt real. But when that secret was exposed it was like the guy didn’t represent security anymore. And maybe the parents sort of damaged things in the way it was handled. And facing the reality of embarrassment this girl might try to mend the fantasy with the guy who used to make her feel comfortable. But unless the guy can re-establish the emotional shelter fast, he might as well kiss her goodbye. Well I imagine you can give advise on how to create this emotional place with words. But eventually the guy might have to find more concrete ways to increase the perception of high sexual valuable in the long run. By that time he might have his own place. He might want to keep his hands to himself until she is legal age. Like I said, I understand in Trinidad the law says people can start having legal sex at 16 {which is sort of young} but I don’t know for the US.

    Earl.

30. Satkama | Reply

    Well, it does seem as if his relationship is over, having been a teenager who dated girls, and having raised one, the parental approval comes too late… after reading his letter, it would seem as if her parents saw something worst for there daughter than him.

    BTW pedophilia refers to children 9 and younger, it is not a legal term, and being one is not against the law (dated a counsler once), neither is necrophila or any of the other -philias: think of it as a label. Now acting upon those ‘desires’ inappropiatly is illegal. Age of consent actually varies from state to state in the U.S., though Federal law is 18. It varies around the world with several caveats. Here is the bottom line for U.S citizens if you can’t do it in America, you can’t do it elsewhere you are bound by U.S. law.

    Totally agree with Earl “But eventually the guy might have to find more concrete ways to increase the perception of high sexual valuable in the long run.”

    Though I’ve never faced that age gap (until in my late 20’s I lived with a girl 11 years my senior; didn’t find out how old she was until her bithday 10 months after we were living together; amazing sex). I can tell you that I’ve been involved with several of the same girls I sexed in HS, over a period of decades.

    Romeo, don’t despair and don’t try to force it, I doubt that you are the reason for whatever changes she’s going through. Also you might want to read what you wrote again…

    If its love, no worries, just remember, any sex with a minor (as defined by law) is illegal in the U.S., not worth it in my opinion, and as stated previously you can stop calling yourself a pedophile, how you view yourself (especially through the eyes of others) definitly has an impact on all of your relationships.

    Good luck,
    SA

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